Solitude and Hope

Lewis Glacier on Mount Kenya from the Naro Moru route, MSW May 06

It use to be that when I saw something like this in the mountains I thought of solitude. How alone and desperate this flower seemed to be, struggling to survive in such a harsh environment. But now, as I come across this picture in my files, I think of Hope?

It's funny how your perspective changes when you are bringing a new life into the world.

DDD diagnosis. Where do we go from here?

As many of you may already know, Anne's pregnancy hasn't gone quite as smoothly as we would have hoped. Not due to the pregnancy at all but due to my debilitating back injury. In January I was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc Disease (DDD). When I first heard this and saw the pictures of the surgical treatment, I was almost sick. (I won't gross you out with a posted picture but you can see it here: http://drwolgin.com/mininvasivelumber.aspx .) Not because of the graphic nature of the pictures but of the implications. I may never be able to climb, kayak, hike, or mountain bike again. More importantly, I may not be able to share these things with my son. I may not even be able to teach him how to split wood....The psychological pain rivaled any physical pain I was experiencing.

Needless to say, this has put a lot of stress on Anne. I've been little to no help to her during the pregnancy, and at my worst bed ridden, I was quite a burden

In early December after a long stint on the computer at work, I noticed an uncomfortable sensation in my lower back. This isn't unusual for me. I pull muscles all the time. In the last few years more frequently as I've gained a considerable amount of weight, don't train on a regular basis and still live the life of a weekend warrior.

Within about a week I found it nearly impossible to walk and very difficult to even stand or sit. After multiple visits to my doctor, nine different prescriptions and no relief, I was given an x-ray and referred to a specialist. By this point I was crying continuously, fainting, shaking and making these strange yelping noises every time I attempted to move. The sounds that came out of my mouth seemed far away and inhuman. They were involuntary and frequent. Anne was nurse maiding me in bed well into the 2nd trimester of her pregnancy.

During the Christmas holiday we had a great visit from Anne's parents, Mark and Lois. Having them there was a blessing. At the time I was highly medicated. When I wasn't completely toasted, the pain was near unbearable. I often found myself praying for relief and wondering how people with severe chronic pain cope. I also had a new understanding of how pain medication addictions can begin.

After the MRI, my specialist showed me my back. It didn't take a Dr. to see what didn't look right. I have a severely degenerated disc at L4 with bone spurs and arthritis in my L5 and SI. When he said,"You are a STRONG candidate for a spinal fusion. I would be happy to get you on the surgery schedule," I almost threw up. Having the surgery would mean an absolute end to many of the things that make me, me. It may also end my career as I know it. 12 months of recovery and rehad, extensive medical bills, not being able to hold my newborn son; all of these things flooded into my mind. I just shut down. I don't think I said more than three words the rest of the day. Its a lot to absorb. It was only later that I remembered him saying,"Its really up to you. You can try physical therapy, and then if that doesn't work, injection therapy and surgery would be your last resort."

He also said that this wasn't brought on by any recent trauma but that it was something I've lived with for years. This was actually good news because it means that strengthening my core muscles could relieve the pain and allow me to live an active life again. He explained that for years my core was splinting the weak disc through my high level of activity and training for outdoor adventures. I had taken a 36' fall about 12 years ago which could have been the start. I also had at least 3 incidents of severe lower back pain since that time, each got better after a couple of weeks of rest. At the time the diagnosis was muscle pull, but this makes more sense.

Of course I am currently in Therapy. It started off quite slow with a few set backs. Work has been very understanding and I am having to learn to better delegate. At this time I am unsure to what extent I will be able to participate in adventure activities again but I am hopeful. I may never be able to spend a day in a whitewater kayak but I may be back to sea kayaking. I may never climb technical rock routes but I may be able to do some general mountaineering. I am still walking with a cane from time to time and after a day at work my back is stiff an fatigued but it is certainly improving.

This has all been very hard on Anne. This is a time when she should have been the center of attention. I should be waiting on her needs. I should be listening and comforting her when her back aches and she needs help putting on her shoes, but it has been quite the opposite. I have to wonder if this experience is somehow preparing Anne and I for having a kid. That no matter how tough things get we just have to keep on keepin on.

Thanks, to all those who have helped us through this...to the many friends and family we called late at night about medications like my mom and Kate Shaw, for their visits such as my dad who moved scuba tanks and helped us get the baby room ready and mostly to Anne for growing our baby, placenta, and cord while helping her crippled husband to the bathroom.

"Things not to say to a Pregnant Woman", by Anne White (a Pregnant Woman)

1. 
   

   This is the first time I have written on the blog, Michael usually handles that so we will see how this goes. I am now six weeks from our due date March 14, we hope Conner arrives on time or a few days after when the reinforcements arrive. The pregnancy overall has been really wonderful, I was not a huge fan of the first trimester when I was sick and tired all the time and had nothing to show for it, so it seemed like I was just a cranky, miserable person. I loved the second trimester tons of energy, and the baby started moving! Now that the end is in sight I am not as comfortable as I was and my feet are HUGE(by the way huge kind of describes all of me). I am going back and forth between excited and terrified, so the bottom line is I am so ready and not ready at all.

   
   
   
   During the pregnancy I discovered that people feel free to share with you their opinions and observations welcome or not. I am sharing some of the things that have been said to me that I would recommend never saying to a pregnant woman.
   
   
   

   "You really blew up overnight."

   
   

   "I can tell you are pregnant because your face is soooooo.... swollen........"

   
   

   "Five months, five months there is no way I wasn't that big at five months!"

   
   

   "Due in march NO!!!You can't be, your not going to make it."

   
   

   "Are you sure you don't have twins in there"

   
   

   "Eewww are they ok? (Michael said this after I showed him my freshly swollen feet)"

   
   

   "I thought you were pregnant.... when I saw you from behind."

   
   

   "You can tell in your face."

   
   
   

   So hopefully you will be so kind as to not say these thing to pregos, we are people too!!

   The comments and the feet are all worth it because we can't wait to meet our little son!!!!